I know the feeling.
As we evolve into, and throughout adulthood, sometimes with eyes open, mostly with eyes shut, we can get caught in the webs of both good and bad decision making, and feel trapped by the burden of our reoccurring outcomes. Or so it appears to me.
On any occasion when we discuss life, my Dad finds meaning and recites this Walter Scott line, “what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive.” I believe the reason he recollects it so frequently and without strain, is that the face of deceit, especially in relation to oneself, is ever-present in our lives. It is a natural part of the human condition. It does however take a lot of time and effort to unravel that web.
Now, I can’t assume to know exactly the nature of your mistakes, but in my own experience, I can say that if you aren’t seeing any real change in your actions, it is probable that you haven’t yet found the ability to fully surrender. This surrender, broadly speaking, I understand to be the crucial starting point that comes before the fundamental change in yourself that you are seeking. The moment when you bear yourself honestly in front of the mirror. No bullshit. This can be the beginning of real change.
All I can dare to say, for now, is try to be kind to yourself along the unpredictable process of change. With that kindness in your pocket, you will find and cultivate honesty with yourself. That cannot be taken away.